At 3.00pm on the dot QS, who was obviously out to impress, let fly a volley on the new Hash Horn. Crafty Linguist (CL), our GM, then called on Hares E.T. and Goldmember to give us the pre-run brief. Spirits failed to soar as we were told that the long and the short courses were both very long, and no matter which one you took, you were going to get dirty. Four constant days of rain had ensured that this run was going to have a very high shiggy content.

After another fanfare we were off. We started off along a cycle path but soon moved onto softer going. The markings were good, but often deviously hidden, and we were soon merrily cursing the Hares. As we move deeper into a forest, the tranquil woodland ambience was only broken by the gentle splash of our feet; the occasional blast from a hunter’s gun or from the Hash Horn and by Ian and Helen laughing like drains as they indulged in a mud fight. 30 minutes later and the pack were well and truly spread out. I had managed to tag along with the FRB’s (although Dr. Who and Comes Quickly were usually spots on the horizon) and was running with QS and Wandering Two-Lips (WTL). We had successfully navigated around the horse riders and avoided being savaged by wild dogs, when suddenly both QS and WTL simultaneously wiped out in the forest – WTL wrapping himself around a tree, whilst QS seriously dented his Horn. Luckily, by that stage, we weren’t too far from the On-In. After a murderous set of steps up the side of a 45° incline, it was just a short run back to the beer.

Back at the On-In Hares E.T. and Goldmember were obviously delighted by the sight that greeted them when we arrived. We were all covered in shiggy, with water running from our trainers, but Comes Quickly was by far the dirtiest, looking like he had suffered a severe attack of diarrhoea. Due to the length of the short course it was roughly 30 minutes before the pack was safely back in the fold. During this time E.T. had set up his portable still and brewed some moonshine mulled wine, which helped ease those sore muscles.

Once all the pack were watered, CL called the Circle. First up for DD’s were the Hares, E.T. and Goldmember, who entered the Circle to boo’s and threats. CL then asked for general comments about the run. Cries of ‘Too many dogs, bogs and hills’ and ‘Unnecessarily sadistic’ weren’t long in coming, and CL, ever sensible to the possibility of a lynching, quickly introduced a new way to vote on the run. The vote could either be a thumbs-up; a thumbs-down or you could simply turn around and moon the Hares. I’m afraid I can’t tell you what the overall vote on the run was, as I was facing in the opposite direction! Once E.T. and Goldmember had been DD’d, they were quickly called back into the Circle when DIY pointed out that they had used their right hands to drink with. They were then re-DD’d, and the pack were slightly mollified.

CL then drew our attention to the fact that this run was, in fact, a run of firsts. It was the first run ever to start on time; it was the first run ever when there were more runners than walkers and it was the first run with our new RA, Quicksand. With this in mind QS was called forward for a DD. Despite some nifty legal wrangling, QS was awarded his DD on a technicality – he had dented the Hash Horn. Once he had been DD’d, QS remained in the Circle to perform his first ceremony, the baptism of Helen and Ian, who had both clocked up 5 runs apiece. After a slightly biased introduction from QS, Ian was baptised Easy Wipe, on account of his involvement with aircraft toilets, and Helen was baptised Deep Shag, because she has a lot of experience with carpets!

CL then resumed control of the Circle and started on the punishment DD’s. First up were Dr. Who and Comes Quickly, both of whom were charged with being FRB’s (Front Running Persons). Then came the SCB (Short Cutting Person), who was Up All Night (for having driven into the car park along a cycle path!). Final DD’s of the day were for wearing new trainers, and went to Dr. Who (who had recently changed his) and Deep Shag. To show there were no hard feelings, Deep Shag broke open her prize for winning the Caption Competition, a bottle of Armagnac, and awarded everyone a tot. Then, with an armagnac-seared voice, DIY closed the meeting with the first verse of ‘Swing Low’.

An excellent run

DIY